2005-04-23 and it was 12:59 p.m. when I wrote this:
Well.
Man. Why are we still together and just holding out?? Ha ha. It's self discipline. It's great though. When I am not with him I miss him. This past week we have spent hm....oh three nights together...lately I just wonder where his baby is and want to see her too. He's so funny.
So today I sit here at my office because I made a decision earlier in the week that I knew I shouldn't have made. Decisions, decisions. Let our yes be yes and our no be no.
He is the only one. He's the only one right now. I am too afraid to tell him. But what am I really afraid of??
Afraid of growing up and leaving?? Yes. What are we going to do with our lives. I want to be where he is. I want to go where he goes. I want to cook for him and all of that. Work wants me to do one thing..I want to do another. The heart of a human. Our heart's desire.
My grandparents were married for over 50 years. I want that for myself. I want to be a faithful forever girl. Forever and faithful. I want to be able to have heard my husband tell a story a hundred times and still love it when he tells it. No matter how many times he may tell me....I want to love it each time. I want to hold hands all our days. I want his arm around me all the time we are together. I just want love...enduring love all of our days together. No matter what....through thick and thin...for better or for worse. But take all of that so seriously. That spiritual togetherness...may it grow even stronger. That's what really holds people together. A recognition of our Creator. Love. Enduring. I want to have forever on my mind. I have to have forever on my mind. I have forever on my mind with my Creator. I have loved him all my life up until now. Through good times and bad times he was there with me. That's the love I can give to someone else. Faithfulness.
I could have been in Fernley with my family and Kenny. They could have met him. It would have been great I think. But I had made a prior committment. Just like school I felt it was getting in the way of things. I did not have to work today but I chose to say yes. Whether I like it or not I couldn't get out of it today.
Earlier this week I locked myself out of my own house. Good thing Kenny didn't just take off. I ended up going home with him.
Somethings people want me to do but I dont really want to do. They aren't anything bad. I wish I had a roadmap for my life but I don't. I guess it could be evidence that I am not praying enough maybe?? Who knows.
Overall in this lifetime I would like to have a family, a loving and wonderful husband, help people, be able to dance all the years of my life, hm...what else...own my own house...my own living space.
So in any event. I am still here at work all bored and crap. Trying to bead something for marty. I should have started sooner. Hmmm...Lord I need some energy....guidance. The "want to" to do things.
