2004-08-11 and it was 12:34 a.m. when I wrote this:
So I had a call last early morning eh. The emotions that I felt were really strong. It sucks how things just have worked out thus far. I am stuck in a jam and too lazy to want to get out so I prayed about that this evening. I need to be up on praying these days....prayers I have said before but strength that I need to ask for when I need it.
Man I felt so entrenched in feelings of longing and desiring last night and into the morning. I barely slept last night...bout two hours I think. anyways there is going to be a baked goods sale tomorrow to earn me some money to go to Oregon.
I want the right thing for my life....I do not want to get bogged down in a commitment that does let me travel and that I am not ready for. BUt all this is my opinion...and it's scary asking and being willing to be obedient to what God has for my life right now....i know it will be good...but it's a lesson in learning to do it because you love God and not getting my way at all which is probably not a good way anyways. Geez...frustration....I may not be living in my grandma's house....I would like to move somewhere different on my own...but I have not money. Money is not around....it's scarce and i hate bein like this. I feel lazy.
Waiting. Waiting. Why did he call?? why do I feel lazy?? when will this happen??? when will that happend?? what is going to happen with this and that?? ? Geez...all the things that run through our minds. We don't need to be anxious. But the reason we are is because I think there has been a break in the relationship with God at this point....stopped readin about him...prayin to him...thankin him etc.
Just believe.
On top of everything I want a man....but that just sucks too. Such a strong attraction we could have to someone. How do we get over it?? do we even want to get over it ??? so far nothing has felt like that....but is that bad or good??? Too many things trying to get the best of my attention. ahhh...ahhh. stop...make is stop Lord...let me know you love me...!!!
